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Step Parents Can Often Discover That It Is Tough When It Comes To Sharing Authority
Step parenting usually brings its own special problems as the new step parent finds himself or herself caught in the middle between the biological parent and the children. Just how much of a problem you will meet depends upon a large variety of factors, the most important of which will be the level of co-operation you get from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.
The best parenting advice and the key to step parenting success is to be found first in clearly determining your role with the biological parent as you are certainly going to have an uphill battle if the two of you are not fully in agreement from the start. As with any changes in a relationship however you also have to understand that adjustment takes time and you will need to adopt a 'step by step' approach. An attempt to hasten things, or to force the situation, will undoubtedly result in frustration if not conflict. The biological parent might feel threatened by the need to share parenting responsibilities and will need to have time to adjust and to develop confidence and trust in you as a parent to her or his children.
Your next step will be to establish your position with the children, unless they are very young, will usually resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will have to take things slowly and realize that the children will need time to get used to the situation before they accept you in the role of a parent. Once more, you will require the help of the biological parent in cementing your relationship with the children.
Any successful transition into step parenting has to begin with a clear and frank discussion with the biological parent, during which both parties need to communicated honestly and freely about how they view their own role, as well as that of the other party, and you must both reach a clear agreement about exactly how you ought to share the responsibilities of parenting. This conversation also has to set clear boundaries but need to be adaptable to allow for modification, especially in the all important first few weeks and months following the establishment of this new relationship.
This first conversation will not of course be the end of the matter and several similar discussions will have to take place before a truly meaningful and lasting shift in parenting responsibilities can happen.
Once you have reached agreement the next step in the process is to bring the children on board and this must at first be led by the biological parent. At the right time everyone should sit down together and the biological parent should lead off a discussion in which the plan which you have come up with can be revealed to the children and then discussed with them.
It is important to emphasize here that this needs to be a true discussion and not simply a matter of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is critically important that the children contribute to the conversation and that their thoughts and views on what has been agreed are listened to. Children, just like adults, must be permitted to have a sense of control over their own lives and must be comfortable with the situationthey find themselves in. This does not mean that the children must be given control over the situation, which should remain firmly in the hands of the parents as the final decision makers within the household, however, every effort needs to be made to ensure that they comprehend the situation and that they are as happy with it as is possible.
The simple fact that the children can see that their parents have obviously thought about the position carefully, and agree about it, will do a great deal to stop the children from playing one parent off against the other and the fact that they are included in the process will also assist a great deal in bringing them on board.
Arriving on the scene as a new step parent can be very hard for not only the step parent but for the biological parent and for the children and everybody will need to work together slowly and take their time to build an environment in which everyone is able to live happily together. Handled with care step parenting is not as difficult as you might think.
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